Ugh. Just writing all this makes me feel like crying almost.
I am currently working out more and dieting. Unfortunately my body is weak from lack of sleep because of the baby and also from being pregnant, so I can't work out as hard as I used to. I tried doing some crunches yesterday and I could barely do 20. I used to do 130 every single day.
Back when I was at my best weight, I ran a mile every other day. On days I didn't run, I did 2 1/2 hours of yoga. I did 130 crunches every day, and 50 push ups. Food-wise, I ate mostly lean proteins like fish and chicken, and a ton of salads and fruits and veggies. I had sushi a lot. I only allowed myself to have sweets on the weekends. I didn't drink sodas ever. I drank a ton of Red Bull. I also was working at a job that kept me moving all day long. I never had a chance to sit down. I was a size 0 and I weighed 105 pounds. My abs were hard and strong and perfectly flat, they were defined and when I flexed you could see the muscles. I miss that so much.
I am now 140 lbs and I wear a size 10. Its not that bad but I know I could do better. My goal is to reach 120 lbs and then go from there. Maybe I will be happy at 120. Probably not though. I don't think I will be happy until I get to 105.
So I am not new to LJ but this is a new journal. I needed a place to vent about my struggle with my weight that no one who knows me can see. I am so tired of this body. I am so ready to be thin and beautiful again. A few years ago I would never have imagined that I would have an issue with my weight. Now I am struggling just to lose a few pounds. I am 25 now, but my best weight was when I was 20. I miss that body. I miss the clothes I could wear. I miss going into a store and having everything I tried on look amazing. I'm not sure if that will ever happen to me again. I have had a child recently and I have stretch marks on my breasts, lower stomach, lower back, and my thighs. I hardly gained any weight when I was pregnant but somehow I still got stretch marks. They have no color and you can barely see them when I'm standing, but the minute I sit down they are visible. Instead of wearing bikinis this summer I've been wearing one piece suits. And stretch marks don't tan so they are even more visible if I get any sun. Just one more reason to make sure I wear plenty of sunscreen I guess.